The Mission of Self Discovery

In past posts I wrote briefly about my past demons and my journey to overcome my own battle with substance abuse. I wrote that post because I had learned that someone very close to me was working through his own demons. I wanted him to know that he was not alone. That post was pretty hard to write. I would be willing to guess that most of my family didn't know about my struggle as a teen and young adult. My parents and sister were supportive in keeping my secret just that, a secret.




There is another situation I have been dealing with for the better part of my adult like. Unlike my previous battle this one I still deal with all the time. Not to say that I don't live with the effects of my prior battle daily but those triggers are nearly absent in my life now.




This current beast is about self discovery. I am a compulsive everything-er. I don't do anything half ass. I just can't do it. It sounds like something that shouldn't be a problem right? Well I am here to tell you it really is. I don't want to do things half ass I just want to be able to let go of something when I have done a good job and move on. Most of this issue comes from my work/home life balance. I want to be able to say that this started when I got divorced and had to raise the girls on my own, but it didn't. I've always been this way. I approach everything in my life like I have something to prove, because I feel like I do. Once I stopped hiding my past problems and embraced that I had overcome them, they were still a black mark on my life. I approached work with an attitude that I had to do it better then everyone else to show everyone that an addict can make a comeback. And I have done that with everything, every job, every school function, two degrees, my body image, my fitness goals, all of it. The issue is that this comes at the expense of everything else in my life - the kids, my relationships.




So I have decided that it is time to let go. One of the greatest things that I learned from the 12 steps is that you have to start with number 1. Admit that you have a problem. So here is it; I have a problem. One of the other amazing things that I learned about that program is that you DON'T have to have all of the answers, which is great because I don't have any at the moment.




What I do know is that there are 2 very important reasons for me to let go and enjoy life - family and friends. So what I intend to do is work hard AND play hard. I know that I will always make work a strong focus because I am an achiever and my time at work will be focused and ferocious but so will my time at home. At the end of every day these people in my home and the people that I care about outside my home are what will always be there and that needs to take a serious front row seat in m life.




So, tell me are you also on your own continuous mission of self discovery?