The Mission of Self Discovery

In past posts I wrote briefly about my past demons and my journey to overcome my own battle with substance abuse. I wrote that post because I had learned that someone very close to me was working through his own demons. I wanted him to know that he was not alone. That post was pretty hard to write. I would be willing to guess that most of my family didn't know about my struggle as a teen and young adult. My parents and sister were supportive in keeping my secret just that, a secret.




There is another situation I have been dealing with for the better part of my adult like. Unlike my previous battle this one I still deal with all the time. Not to say that I don't live with the effects of my prior battle daily but those triggers are nearly absent in my life now.




This current beast is about self discovery. I am a compulsive everything-er. I don't do anything half ass. I just can't do it. It sounds like something that shouldn't be a problem right? Well I am here to tell you it really is. I don't want to do things half ass I just want to be able to let go of something when I have done a good job and move on. Most of this issue comes from my work/home life balance. I want to be able to say that this started when I got divorced and had to raise the girls on my own, but it didn't. I've always been this way. I approach everything in my life like I have something to prove, because I feel like I do. Once I stopped hiding my past problems and embraced that I had overcome them, they were still a black mark on my life. I approached work with an attitude that I had to do it better then everyone else to show everyone that an addict can make a comeback. And I have done that with everything, every job, every school function, two degrees, my body image, my fitness goals, all of it. The issue is that this comes at the expense of everything else in my life - the kids, my relationships.




So I have decided that it is time to let go. One of the greatest things that I learned from the 12 steps is that you have to start with number 1. Admit that you have a problem. So here is it; I have a problem. One of the other amazing things that I learned about that program is that you DON'T have to have all of the answers, which is great because I don't have any at the moment.




What I do know is that there are 2 very important reasons for me to let go and enjoy life - family and friends. So what I intend to do is work hard AND play hard. I know that I will always make work a strong focus because I am an achiever and my time at work will be focused and ferocious but so will my time at home. At the end of every day these people in my home and the people that I care about outside my home are what will always be there and that needs to take a serious front row seat in m life.




So, tell me are you also on your own continuous mission of self discovery?

2014 here we come!

I can hardly believe that it is 2014! Happy New Year's to all of you!

Do any of  you remember the first time you actually felt, older? Like, you may have been an adult for a decade or so but I think that there may be a point when we all realize that we are no longer kids. For me this was 3 weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am still "young", and for the most part I've never felt like I was getting much older as the years passed. However, about 3 weeks ago, I was at work and it was the first day for my newest employee. They are filling a temporary need that we have during our busiest time of year. After getting him settled into his desk and starting to train him we all started to share a little bit about ourselves. At one point in the conversation he mentioned that he was, "almost 20". AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Almost 20!!!!????? Yes, guys, I have an employee that is a full decade younger than me. What? When? How? I spent the better part of that week letting that thought sink in. To be honest, it scared me. I always thought I would be in a different place by this time in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have experienced so many things in my life time. I've loved, lost, feared, grown. But this thought, that I am literally not getting any younger has pushed me to a new place. There is no time to waste, the only thing that we can control is the present. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or even in 10 years but I am determined to make the most of the here and now. I hope you will join me!

My little family and I have a lot to look forward to this year, here are a few of the things that will keep us going in 2014.

• Ian will enter his senior year of college
• Our oldest will complete her yellow belt in karate and turn 10 years old
• Our youngest will finish her beloved art classes, start dance and enter the 2nd grade
• I will complete my Masters
• Ian and I will take the first of many trips abroad
• Ian will prepare to officiate the wedding of his best friend
• Together we will loose 60+ lbs and become healthier than we have ever been
• The girls will work on their relationship as siblings and hopefully learn that there is nothing like the love of a sister 
• We will all celebrate a beautiful Thanksgiving in my home town
• We will prepare for a blessed 2015

We are very fortunate to be able to do so many beautiful things! I would love to hear what your plans are for this year. Tell me a little about yourselves and here's to a wonderful 2014! Let's make this one to remember!

a shower to remember

Last Sunday some close friends and I held a baby shower for one of the most important couples in my life. As many of you know from this blog and in person but I am not a designer by any means. I would say I am more of a chaotic balance of social and analytical but not creative.

After meeting with the sisters and mother of the soon to be mama we had all kinds of ideas! The couple had selected Shel Silverstein's, "The Giving Tree" as a theme for the nursery and we went with that for as many of the details as possible. From apple appetizers, to papers trees from floor to ceiling, and tree stumps as décor, we made sure to work the theme into every area possible.

There was something about the inspiration that these women have that threw me head first into planning mode. I decided to make personalized party favors and cake bites! It was a lot of fun, and work but mostly fun. Sometime it is hard for me to just relax and enjoy what I am doing but this was for someone (and husband) that I love so much I was able to really focus.

For the party favors, (idea adapted from, ABM) I found restaurant supply coffee mugs and personalized them with the first letter of everyone's name using Sharpie markers to dot sporadically around a sticker. Then removed the sticker and baked the cups in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. I then took hot chocolate mix and marshmallows and tied them in plastic wrap with ribbon and added them to the mugs with a candy cane. They turned out so much better than expected! Big thanks to ermae for all of her help with this task, 29 mugs equate to many, many dots!

                                                       

 



 

For the cake bites, (recipe adapted from StyleAtHome) I wanted to give the new mum a few of the things she has been craving since her favorite cakes were carrot and german chocolate, I decided to do both!

I baked both cakes as indicated on the box (feel free to make yours from scratch), I then let them cool for a whole day, lightly covered with a dish towel. I then crumbled the cake and added about 2/3 of a container of frosting to the crumbs using a metal spoon and then made them into small balls. I then let them set in the fridge for an hour. I then melted candy coating (available in my regular grocery store baking isle) and used two forks to coat them and set them on wax paper. The forks allowed for extra coating to drip away before placing them down to set. I then let them set in the fridge over night. I decorated the tops with more candy coating in a squeeze bottle and sprinkles.

These were a HUGE hit from my own kids to all the friends at the shower. Although they take time they are work the effort!

                          

                                                                   

 

 And because I can't resist showing some pictures of the shower too here they are!

 

DIY table time

We don't own our own home, yet... Mostly because we don't plan to live in Utah for many more years, which means that although we have a place that we call "home", it isn't ours.

To combat these "home hungry" feelings that we have we decided to start buying items that we like and making them something that we love. Something that we can't buy in a store, something uniquely us.

You would think we would start small with a refinished bookshelf or TV stand but no we decided to go all out. I think there was a part of us that realized if this didn't go well that we wouldn't want to do anything else like this so we wanted to put all of our energy into this. We choose to buy a simple couch table used online and then stain it. Then we built up the top ledge to create a recessed table top. We created our own decorative drawer spaces to place baskets. Next, we cut glass beer bottles of our favorite label and hand broke them into smaller pieces. We placed bottle caps in the corners of the table and then poured resin on top in one inch layers and let it dry in 12 hour increments.

The end result was perfectly, imperfect. And most importantly it is ours and no one will ever have one quite like it.

The best part of this project was that we made this together and we can't wait to start our hutch for the kitchen next! Now get out there, be creative, make something you will love and always treasure!

Make some memories.

Because sometimes you just need to write

Friends, family, fellow bloggers, new readers - WARNING, I have no idea what this post will be about :)

Sometimes I just want to write. This is more than 1/2 of the reason that I started this blog. Contrary to popular belief I have not always been social. There was definitely a time in my childhood and early adolescence that I was shy. (quiet down all you laughers, I know it is hard to believe now) Writing has always made me feel more at peace and been a great recourse for my emotions. I wouldn't say that I am a highly emotional person, but I have my moments. My biggest issue is that I tend to hold everything in, so when something minimal happens it might be my last straw, IE. an episode of   "Parenthood" that makes me cry for 2 hours. (Side note: Bless Ian, he really is a great man) Anyway, my point is that sometimes I just need to write things down because it gives me a way to free all of this information in my mind.

Are any of you ever amazed when a man (or I guess another women) tells you that they are literally thinking about nothing? This NEVER happens to me (with the exception of sex), I mean really nothing? I have a hard time keeping it to just a few things most of the time. I do realize that I have a strange inability to just do nothing. My entire adult life has been full of doing things at 100% all of the time; work, kids, school (mine and theirs), parenting, after school events, karate, art classes, relationships, friends, family.... this list never ends. But there is something in me that just can't stop. I mean for God sake I have raised two children, (nearly on my own, thank you Ian... again) graduated from college, maintained a full time job and for some reason I always feel like I need to do more. When I went back for my Masters Ian made me promise that after this I would find a hobby. HA HA HA HA HA. I am pretty sure that is because my education addiction will cost us roughly $100,000 when said and done but he is right. I do need to find a hobby, I mean what am I going to do with all of these degrees? Blogging is definitely a hobby and thanks to all of you, this blog had 300+ page views last month!!!! But I will definitely need something else as well, or I will drive you all insane.

I'm seriously thinking about the guitar, thoughts? If you think I should try something else let me know, I'd love to hear from all of you!

be grateful

For those of you that actually know me and don't just read the blog, know that I came from a very normal family and went through very normal things growing up. However, being loved and surrounded by positive things is not a failsafe for staying on the right track.

I will not go into details in this forum because no one needs to hear them, but lets just say there was a period of my adolescence where I tested the limits. It took a teenage pregnancy and a whole lot of personal strength to overcome my demons.

I'm going on a decade of the, "straight and narrow" and I make a choice everyday to stay this way. For any of you that are personally addicts, recovering addicts or have a friend or a family member that has dealt with any kind of addiction you know first hand that life is no longer easy.

So many people judge others. One of the things that I despise hearing from people is, "Why don't they just quit? It's simple." All that I have to say to that comment is, "Don't attempt to understand something you have never experienced." If any addict could just STOP, believe me they would. An addiction is about so much more then the substance you choose to abuse. It is about the person that it makes you, the decisions that you make, the judgment that you have and more importantly the way you currently feel about yourself. Quitting is scary because it takes away the one thing you think you know and can control.

This is a part of my life that I don't usually delve into, especially in a public format but I was recently made aware of a situation that makes me wonder if I had been more open if I could have helped someone else. For the person that this is about, know that I love you and I am here for you when you are ready to talk, I won't judge, I won't argue, I will just listen.

For the people reading this, if you know someone that you think needs help or has a problem and is ready to deal with it try to listen to them and point them in the right direction. These things are not easy to do alone, but they can be done. Every addict is different. there is not a "one size fits all" approach that will work across the board. But there are so many options available to meet each person at a level that they are comfortable with. If anyone needs helping finding a place to start please comment on the blog and I will be happy to help you.

We only get once chance at this life and it can be taken from us in an instant. I am here to tell you that life is worth living but getting back to a place where you can enjoy life is the first step. Recovery is a long road, full of obstacles and victories. Every day sober is a win. Be grateful for the life we have been given and never stop pushing to be better than you are right now.

I'll never forget the things that have made me who I am today. Remembering where I have come from keeps me motivated to help change what could be a different ending for someone else.

Oh My Instagram!

As many of you know this blog was the first, "social media" step I have taken in the last 3 years. My days of Facebook ended along with my marriage and the stress of worrying about who was reading what simply wasn't worth it to me. What I have missed most about keeping in touch with people in this way was having a look into the lives of people that I care about.

So a few weeks ago I was talking to some co-workers and they were all talking about Instagram. I had heard about it but never looked at someone's profile or really understood how it works. I decided to take the plunge and created an account.

And.I.Am.Hooked!

I love seeing pictures of my friends and their families and sharing a little piece of my own day sometimes probably more often than my friends care to see :)

It has really made a huge impact on me and I just can't say enough about it.

If you have an Instagram feel free to look me up my user name is the same as the blog :)

Happy Instagraming!